Slvrthoughts and Musings

If I had a choice between being in front or behind a camera, I often choose to be behind it.

1. I have a good eye and I take pretty good pictures. I know how to compose a shot --- factor in lighting, location, subject, and compensate for weather, hehehe.
   
2. I HATE the way I look in most pictures
   
• I often feel my face looks all swollen (manas) or my hair is all wrong.
  
• I'm too fat, my bulges are showing. I haven't gone to the gym and had a decent work out in ages so I don't really feel sexy at all.
  
• I'm fat, fat, FAT! Just a few years ago (2003) I was a size SMALL and now I am a LARGE (sometimes medium). I don't really aspire to my former size 0 (23 inch waistline) ... I just want my trim shape back but time and money to work out just doesn't seem to coincide!
  
• I'm wearing the wrong clothes and I look like a frump instead of sporty or stylish.
  
• my eyes are closed --- I have this irritating, frustrating eye condition ... I keep blinking and so it is difficult for me to keep them open during photo ops without some strain. Timing matters.

I guess what this really means is ... I hate being photographed when I am not looking or feeling my best --- which is most of the time! Of all the pics taken of me (for the year, at least), the one at the right (with Joey Paras) is the best. Everything else I give a , , a , a ho-hum, a maybe, or a . I guess my mood will have something to do with it. I was feeling playful when that shot was taken.

In any case, is it still narcissistic when I refuse to show or have pics of me when I am not even passably attractive? Part of me realizes that the reason for this musing is the fact that I am unattached and not likely to get attached anytime soon. At least, not while I live with my folks! hehehe.

Maybe I'm being too picky. Or maybe I come on too strong and I scare away any likely candidates.

I've convinced myself that I'm really not on the lookout for anyone. But when I psycho-analize --- it seems that this is also because part of me thinks that I'm just not pretty enough or sexy enough to catch a man's eye.

And yet ... I am happy with the friendships I have made along the way. I guess I just miss having admiring glances follow me and look me up and down as they smile. Ah, the haydays. How I miss them. I don't think I was ever a "knockout" but I used to get my share of wolf-whistles and catcalls, hehehe. I console myself sometimes by thinking, "girl, you don't look bad for 35!"
Of course, you DO realize that any pics I posted here are those I think are halfway decent, hehehe. All the fugly pics, I either deleted or ripped to shreds or hid somewhere dark and deep.

So, I guess, in effect, I too am narcissistic ... though an unconventional one, in that --- I don't like taking pics of myself and I don't like looking at my reflection so much. Unless it is a magic mirror or I can afford to go back to the gym ... the mirror and I just aren't the best of friends.